07.02.99 - Emotional landscapes

I'm struggling to hold my plans together now. I start off with such enthusiasm for my ideas and I have all these plans that I talk about and try to put into action but when it comes to it I always seem to be fighting against the odds and invariably losing! Damn it, it's so frustrating! That f***ing dipshit didn't phone about the flat and I really have given up on it now. Peter says he is going to phone up about a couple of places tomorrow that he saw in LOOT but he is talking about having to find himself a studio flat now because he is on a timer (has to be out by February). If he does that then our plans to share a flat are history. Wouldn't it be typical if that happened and then I got a job? I'd have nowhere to stay and have to commute into London. Grrrrrrr.

I've had a lazy weekend and it was lovely. I didn't have to worry about being anywhere or doing anything and I didn't even help my Mum with the housework! I did offer... but my offer was refused. I've been listening to music, watching TV, farting around on the computer and drinking coffee and milkshakes. I did tidy my room up a bit and vacuum it so I feel a little better wallowing in laziness without too much of a guilt trip. I wanted to get my hair cut but the barber's yesterday was so busy I left it. I went back again later on Saturday and it was still jam packed full of people and only two cutting hair. Drat! I really need a hair cut too because I feel like Neanderthal man with it growing down my neck. I'll have to find a way to get it done in the week, at least it is cheaper then.

I'm having a mild panic attack at the impending arrival of Valentine's Day. Ever since I was zero years old I have hated Valentine's Day with the kind of passion you are supposed to use to enjoy it. I've been single and without a partner on that day every year except last year. I used to hate it because I was always alone and it was a painful reminder of that fact but last year I just hated it because I figured it was a load of old commericalised bollocks! I justify this by saying that if you love someone you should show it on any of the other 364 days in the year anyway and not just save it for one stinkin' day in February. I really don't like being bamboozled into doing something on that day just because the shops in the high street say I should. At the moment things are a little awkward anyway and the day is just going to be an emotional landscape I don't want to clamber over. The other side of it is that I will make things bad by ignoring it. I can't win! I don't want little chocolates shaped as love hearts. I want a huge big slab of it instead! Hehehe.

I've noticed from reading many other people's journals that they manage to keep their entries upbeat and humorous in the face of adversity... unlike me. My entries always seem to be bitching sessions or depressive episodes! I'm going to try and be upbeat more but it's difficult. Bitching and moaning just seem to come naturally to me.

P.S. I haven't forgotten about the "Britain & Twisted" questions. I just keep forgetting to copy them from the web before I log off! I'll get round to them before the end of February even if I get the honour of being the last person in the webring to answer the questions. ;-)

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Created by Rich Hull,1999.