05.12.98 - Vivid dreaming an answer?

Today was something of a disappointment. I woke up early because I said I would phone someone at 9:30am. I went into town with my Mum and forgot to take my bank cards with me so I could not go to the cash machine and I couldn't buy anything (probably for the best though). Town was a nightmare from trying to navigate around pushchairs and a horde of selfish Christmas shoppers who don't think twice of pushing you out of the way or letting go of a door in your face. Once I got back from town I got a call from a 'friend' who basically told me he didn't want to hear from me between now and Christmas... gee, thanks, I guess you don't want your present I got you from America then!

I've been feeling pretty lonely and pathetic since I got back from my holiday and a little impatient at having to settle back into my old routine until I can get my life sorted out. As a result I've gone and arranged a date with someone. Ugh... I know I said I was going to put my love life on hold but this opportunity sort of came up and because they caught me while I was feeling like this I decided "what the hell!" and arranged something provisionally for Thursday. I have this feeling I am wasting my time and that I might get hurt again but I suppose it's better than staying home and doing nothing. I really don't want to talk about it so if you're a friend and you're reading this then you should know that you can ask questions, but that doesn't mean I am going to answer, ok? If something comes of it in the long term then I might share but for now I think it's best that I keep this sort of thing to myself. Apart from anything I have been re-assessing lately whether my journal entries are becoming just a wee bit too personal. I have this romanticised idea that I'd like there to be someone to phone on Christmas day to wish Happy Christmas other than just my family. Maybe it will happen...maybe it won't... and does it really matter?

I had a really vivid dream sometime in the week. It was so vivid that I woke up with a start and stared wide eyed at the clock thinking to myself that I HAD to get some paper and write it down. It was very cold that night though and I wasn't quite fully awake so I lay back down and pulled the covers close. I must have fallen back to sleep straight away because the next thing I remember is waking up in the morning and sitting up in bed thinking "Damn! I forgot the freakin' dream!". For some reason it was really important and no matter how hard I try I just can't remember it. I do remember though that it was very specific to my life, it wasn't one of those metaphorical image type things like dreams of flying. It was a scenario in my life or in real life somewhere... oh rats, I wish I could remember it! It's really bothering me. It was like a vision or an answer or something and what is even more surprising is that I hardly ever have dreams anyway.

I sat and watched the film "Powder" on SKY TV last night and it was really good. I wasn't prepared for the "weepy" factor though and at one point I had such a big lump in my throat to stop myself from crying that it hurt. If you've ever seen the film then I'll tell you that it was the part where he goes to see the sheriff's wife. God it was so sad I just wanted to blubber all over the place like a big poofter. ;-) I loved some of the underlying themes in the plot too even though I thought the direction was weak at several points. That's the first time in a long while that I have sat at home and watched a film all the way through so I guess it must have been quite good.

I'm afraid I have made no progress in creating pages about my trip to America and I have this awful feeling I won't get round to it until no-one really cares anymore (did they anyway?). I'll see how I feel if/when I can get some photos scanned but for now I haven't even finished one roll of camera film. I was going to take pictures of a couple of strange buildings in my local town for a landscape architect friend but it was cold and rainy and town really stressed me out so I gave up on that for today. I have toyed with the idea of buying a scanner because some of them are not that expensive and seeing as my credit card bill is already huge I guess I wouldn't notice another big chunk added on the end. I might look around and see how I feel after I have worked out a few calculations in my head. I don't think I will be buying a UMAX scanner though as my friend Theda had real trouble with the software on her computer after installing the UMAX stuff. The last thing I need is for my computer to go tits up on me as well as some of the people in my life!

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