20.12.98 - 'I almost didn't upload this entry'

Note: This journal entry almost didn't get uploaded because I was feeling crap when I wrote it and I thought it might hurt some people to read or make things more complicated. Instead of doing the sensible thing and sticking with my decision I have uploaded this! Hahaha. Watch as it all turns horribly sour on me (although I hope not)............

It's just gone midday here and I'm writing a journal entry now because everything this weekend seems to be out of place, at the wrong times and ... just weird, so I thought I may as well write a journal entry now rather than wait until the end of the day like I usually do. I was going to write one last night but I had drunk a glass of vodka and Red Bull, was feeling a little depressed and weirded out by a few things and when I finally decided to give up on it all I just wanted to go to bed. So I did.

I'm listening to Bjork's "Bachelorette" at full blast. It is just a fantastic song and needs to be played loud to be appreciated. I love the orchestral background, the powerful vocals that pierce into you and the sweeping epic nature of the whole thing. I don't know why more people don't like her music but I'd guess they're just resisting the unusual and prefer to sideline her as "weird" and carry on quite happily with their mainstream pulp music. Pulp mainstream music is ok but I think I'd go mad if that was all I listened to day in, day out. Why am I talking about this? Hmmm.... I don't know. See? I told you nothing was 'normal' this weekend.

Yet again I seem to be messing up on the 'friends' front. One friend went schizo on me and wrote me a bizarre e-mail, another friend hasn't spoken to me for a while and I don't know why, yet another friend has got upset with me and I can't seem to get a grip on the situation to sort it out.... it just goes on. I just feel like dropping everyone and everything and living a life of solitude, listening to Bjork, reading and going to the cinema. Well its almost what I was doing before so I guess it wouldn't be that unfamiliar. I'd be depressed as hell though. Stupid thing is that when I get like this there should be someone I can turn to who understands, someone who is not mixed up in all this shit, someone removed from the situation who can let me escape from it. I guess at the moment, that person is my old school friend Sri. We're going out tomorrow night so maybe that will cheer me up a bit.

I've been very rebellious lately and i've been getting something of a kick out of it. In a way I know that is a very immature response but maybe I need to get it out of my system? I've been going out and about to different places with different people who I wouldn't normally have been out and about with before. I've been listening to really hard music and considering getting a tattoo. I've been swearing more (not that I'm proud of this though). I've been doing more things on impulse and being more selfish and less selfish towards my own feelings and things "I" want to do. It's scaring some and upsetitng others and I guess thats a part of where my friends problem is.... although I feel that my friends should understand it to some extent. Maybe it's hard to understand unless you've been through it yourself or you can put yourself into my shoes?

I haven't been anywhere other than Aylesbury town centre this weekend but I may still be going into London in the week to do a tiny bit of Christmas shopping and perhaps meet up with a friend or two. I still haven't done any Christmas cards and I feel really "bah humbug!" about it now. I am starting to feel a little more Christmassy though now and I bought a nice present for Pauline at work and a little something for her son, Joshua. She suggested that we go down the pub for a drink if we finish early on Christmas Eve. I don't think many people at work will want to go out and do that but if she still wants to then I have decided that I will go along. I hope someone else goes along though or her husband will think something weird is going on between us! I bought us some "Christmas '98" coffee from Marks & Spencer's yesterday to fill the office with the aroma and when I have given her the present I will feel a lot more Christmassy. Having fun, laughing, sharing things with friends and one another is what I feel it should be all about..... which is why all this shit that has been happening with my friends has been getting me down.

Well I think I am going into town again now. Well there is not much else to do here except sit here on this freakin' computer for even longer until my eyes meet in the middle!

PREVIOUS ENTRY   JOURNAL MENU   NEXT ENTRY

Website created by Rich Hull,1998.