27.12.98 - Blue funk

I'm in something of a "blue funk" today. I don't think I was in the morning although it hasn't been the most exciting day from start to finish. It started mainly after a brief conversation with someone online (no, it's not one of you who reads this journal!) and then I've been kind of moping around my room philosophising about the way I feel used by so many people. God, it all sounds so pessimistic and depressing but that's just the way it is.

When I stop and consider all the people in my life at the moment I can honestly say that at times (probably more so recently) I have felt used or second rate to nearly all of them. It doesn't do a lot for my self esteem to feel like this as you can imagine and it certainly doesn't make me feel any closer to these people. I would exclude my family from this even though I am sure they've used me at times, but it's different somehow. I don't know what to do about it but I realise that part of the problem is that I just expect too much from people! I sometimes think that it shouldn't be unreasonable to expect good in people but in practical terms I guess I shouldn't expect good from people 'all the time' and that is the difference. I would like there to be one or two people in my life at the moment though who I mean so much to that they would not even consider using me or if they did then at the very least they would let me know why so I wouldn't mind and I would understand. Is this expecting too much? Oh well, there we go again I suppose..... and I expect this is not making much sense anyway.

I went into town today simply because there was nothing better to do. The shops were only slightly manic and there was nothing worthwhile in the sales so I don't even know why anyone bothered to go out. Maybe they just needed a break from being at home all the time like I did. I at least avoided the temptation to stay home and watch "The Wizard of Oz" which is being shown on television for about the billionth time at Christmas.

I had a discussion with someone about becoming 'hardened' from years of crap in your life and from a cynical attitude built up over time. I must say that I have become very much hardened over recent months and more so than I probably should at my age but with my personality it was probably inevitable. I see myself becoming much more selfish.... like now for example. It's 11pm and I am still playing my music. It's not that loud but I am just sitting here thinking "Screw the neighbours, screw everyone else in the house...if they don't like it they'll have to come and tell me!". Before now I probably would have turned it down or turned it off before 9 or 9:30pm but now it doesn't seem so important. I have to put up with the occasional screaming and shouting from the neighbours at 2am so this is small fry.

I still haven't managed to organise anything for New Year's Eve and the way I feel about friends at the moment it is probably a good idea if I don't see any of them anyway. A friend good as told me he didn't want me around during New Year anyway because his 'other' friend was going to be there and wanted to spend time with him! See what I mean about the being second rate thing? Ok, I'm sorry if this journal entry is a bit depressing and self pitying but.... no, hang on.... damn it, I am not sorry! If you don't like it buster then you know what you can do, don't you? (Hahahaha. Well, it fits the mood of how I am feeling, don't you think?)

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