29.09.98 - Closing gaps and crossing borders

Yesterday's journal entry had a strange effect. Not only do I STILL feel the same way as I did then (which is unusual because that positive feeling invariably passes as soon as it arrives) but it has prompted a surprise response in others. At the time I had questioned my motives in reviving old friendships and I had also wondered whether I was really doing the right thing for a number of reasons. I sat and reasoned it out again tonight and decided that I was not in fact taking a step backwards but that I was reaching back into the past, dragging a bit of it forward and incorporating it into my life as it as now. It's an experiment and I am not about to rush out and tell everyone that they should do the same, because quote simply it could turn out to be a big disaster. Learn from my mistakes and triumphs. It's only fair that someone should.

A friend recently made reference to my wild and crazy night on Friday where I leapt out of myself and became this alternate Rich for a night. She hinted that she might like to do the same to get away from things in her own life for a while. Why is this necessarily a bad thing? I think it seems bad because the inference is that you should be yourself 24 hours a day every day and that this should make you happy. That's crap! We all have secrets, we all repress certain parts of our personality for various reasons and we all get bored with our lives from time to time. I say that running from your life for a brief period is a good thing if you are running towards something that you enjoy, something that you want to be (or are already and repress) and/or something that you feel comfortable with. I got drunk and did some wild things. Some of the things I regretted momentarily but overall it was possibly the best night of my life because I was 'myself' through and through and I was not anxious about it at all (I am not condoning alcohol to great lengths but I just have to say here......"Thank you vodka!" Hahahaha). I talked about this with Pauline at work today and it made me realise just how simple and easy this is to do. She had done it once... upped and started again somewhere new. It takes a certain amount of courage but we all have it within ourselves if we want to use it.

Pauline and I chatted a lot today. Work was terminally boring and neither of us had any motivation to do a damn thing. I think we did the least amount of work two people can do in any one working day and you know what? I don't feel the least bit guilty about it! We got on some sensitive topics and I felt some awkward tension at times but it can only make our friendship stronger I think and it's refreshing to have such a close friend at work, and one around my own age too. I get paranoid and over sensitive sometimes about what people think of me and today at work I felt that a couple of people came very close to finding the real me. It shocked me a little but I was also pleased. I am glad to see that people find the hidden layers within my personality and seem appreciative of what they find. I have always kept work anonymous to a certain extent though and I am worried that I am crossing some border that I am not going to like in the long term. Work and social life should be somewhat distant and the gap is closing for me after 5 years of working there. I wonder why that's happening now? Perhaps it is the fact that there are more people around my own age there now, or simply with the same mentality and ideas as me.

I still haven't heard anything about my promotion but I have gone beyond despair about it into an extreme state of apathy. On one level I am thinking "well it might be nice to get a big wodge of arrears pay when they finally sort it out" but on another level I am thinking "those bastards are really pissing me off with their lethargy over my situation". I'm getting really anxious to start planning for my own place and I just can't do it until this pay is sorted out. I need to know what my budget limits will be! It's not practical to get my own place until after my holiday but I could at least make a start by planning my finances and perhaps buying things ready to fit in my flat/house/whatever. I am so much more my own person than I have ever been before and I need my own place... NOW!

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