09.11.98 - Frankenstein's Employee

Luckily today passed quite quickly. This week will drive me stir crazy unless it continues that way. I really can't focus or concentrate on anything and quite frankly I don't wish to. Like I said in my last journal entry "I have had it with their shit" and as I am in this kind of mood it is probably just as well that no-one bothered me today. Pauline and I only had two visitors to the office all day, one from my project manager and one from our so-called 'boss'. Neither seemed interested in what we were doing, they just either wanted something or wanted to know where someone else was. Oh actually we had another visitor but that was just someone bringing me a printout (exciting huh?). I keep talking to Pauline and other people at work about how I am going to come back from my holiday, get some work with an IT recruitment agency in London and then move there. I am trying to convince myself now that it is possible and that I will go through with it but I know what I am like. I will really just have to swallow every emotion I have and get on with it or I will chicken out. I HAVE to do this to prove something to myself if nothing else. God it will feel so good when I have got myself sorted out and reach this second goal of mine.

A slightly different slant on the "moving to London" front is that I seem to be screwing up my relationships with people in London big time. It's not intentional but I just can't seem to grab a friendship and keep it going how I want to so these people either drift out of my life or I get pissed off with them and we just stop talking and... well... never start talking again! Someone told me on the phone the other night that a friend of his in London said he had managed to get three good friends over the course of a few years or something. That doesn't sound like much but when you think about it how many good friends do you really need? I just need a few to keep me sane and keep life interesting. I don't mind if the rest drift in and out and indeed I expect that to a certain extent. I guess what I can't handle is the fact that some people just don't like me or don't want to know me. I start to question myself and ask why this is the case. It is as if my brain can't process the fact that some people really just don't get along for no other reason than they are too different. On the upside I had a good phone call with James and hopefully I am sorting things out there and will manage to keep him as a friend. I do hope so because that is important to me.

I'm sat here with my mobile phone on expecting a call and it is now almost 10:30pm. Somehow I didn't think it would come through. Pathetic huh? I just don't understand some people, I really don't. I have a kind of determination inside me that fires me up and makes me say over and over in my head "I will NOT get screwed over by anyone any more" yet I let it happen time and time again. I feel powerless sometimes to stop it but then I think that instead of stopping it I will just get revenge after it has happened. That is how I feel about work right now and I am also becoming quite militaristic in my way of thinking about my social life. Is this how one becomes hardened to the knocks in life? I can see myself changing as a result and I don't really think I want to become that person but conditioned learning dictates that I will change as a result of my experiences regardless. You should see me at work... whew! Sometimes they wonder what's hit them when I open my mouth about something. I used to be such a shy, retiring employee but they made me what I am. I am their monster and if they can't control me then they shouldn't have made me.

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