12.11.98 - A day of two halves

Today was a day of two halves. The first half went very quickly and contained some good news. The second half dragged like a ball and chain and contained some news which pissed me off big time. The evening suffered somewhat as a result of the second half and now I am sat here contemplating an early night because I feel drained emotionally and physically from where I got so wound up.

The morning was quite busy and Pauline and I got quite a lot of work done which gave me a sense of satisfaction and made it pass quickly. It also kept my mind off the holiday a bit so that I wasn't sat there daydreaming. Halfway through the morning my boss asked to see me for a minute and I knew that it was about my regrading. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they were going to put me just over half way up the grade scale rather than at the bottom as I expected and this meant roughly a 30% salary increase. A part of me cringed inside because I knew with those wages it would make it harder for me to feel like quitting the job and moving to London anytime soon but I didn't think about that straight away. I was so surprised that I forgot to ask if the wages would be backdated to when the first regrading form was submitted.

After lunch I got back and decided I would e-mail my boss asking him to check when it would be backdated to. I was expecting him to say it would be backdated to the date of the original regrading form submission but no... it would appear they are only going to backdate it to the date of the second submission which is only about a month's worth of backpay. I have been doing the job since the beginning of July (a few days before in fact) and I was prepared to lose a couple of months of that because it took time to learn the job and sort out the regrading form but this would mean I miss out on another whole month's backpay which amounts to roughly £250 after tax!!! I can't afford to just roll over and die on this issue and accept that losing £250 is fine with me just because of a departmental "red tape" policy! I e-mailed my boss at the end of the day and told him that but I doubt it will have any effect. I shouldn't be so surprised as everything that place has ever done for me has resulted in me being screwed over at some point. I'm just so sick of having to fight for what is right and fair all the time. I am sure this kind of crap wouldn't happen in the private sector. I'm hurt and angry right now and even though my pay is at a more acceptable level I still feel mad at them and...well .... I just can't put into words how I feel. It's just the pits, it really is.

I'm hurt and angry about other things in my life too and as more and more of this kind of thing happens to me I find that I get less and less depressed about it and more and more angry in place of depression. Sometimes I get so mad I feel like I could swear up a storm, throw something across a room or just pick up my bags and walk into the sunset but then I stop myself and think that nothing would really change. I just have to learn to accept that life is like this and I have to find a way to deal with it on a daily basis somehow, even though it fires up a fury inside me that I struggle to control. The fact that crap like this makes me feel vulnerable and insecure also makes me angry. I have this little thing I do and when I find myself doing it then I know I am feeling insecure. I'm not about to share it with you because it's embarrassing but it's just some silly thing I've done ever since I was a child and when I find myself doing it then I know I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure about something. These days I feel the anger more but anger needs energy to feed it and the energy needed to feed anger is so great that it wanes after a short while.

Ugh, I have so much to try and fit in and I'm just so blinded by things around me that I can't organise myself enough to sit down and plan it properly. I need another week to plan this holiday but at the same time I don't want to wait a week because I need it NOW. I still feel angry, I feel down about some things, I feel wound up and I've made myself feel sick as a result. I'm tired and I think I'll go to bed. Oh I'm so fucking pissed off right now that this journal entry must sound awful. As I'm in this state of mind though you know I really don't care!

PREVIOUS ENTRY   JOURNAL MENU   NEXT ENTRY

Website created by Rich Hull,1998.