13.11.98 - Textbook case

I'm still not very excited about my impending holiday. I don't know why but I have never really been able to get that excited about anything until very close to the actual moment itself. I know I will be excited on Sunday night when I have my case packed and I am going through last minute things. In the meantime I still have quite a lot to do and I think I'm getting a bit stressed out about it. I have to buy loads more things, meet up with James in London some time tomorrow, I have to pack my case, sort out my holiday money, phone a friend, send out e-mail, tidy my room, get lists and contact names together.... argh the list seems never ending but I know I will get there in the end, one way or the other.

Work was strange today. I did actually do quite a lot of work (relatively speaking of course) and went through a fair bit of stuff with Pauline. In the morning I had a chat with my boss about my backdated pay (or lack thereof) and he got quite upset with me and subsequently made me a teeny bit angry. I just hate the way they all think I should just shut up and be grateful that they have got me higher wages. First of all I think I damn well deserve them, secondly they are not the kind of good wages I could expect anyway for doing the same job at another hospital and thirdly I don't think they appreciate the position I am in financially and in terms of wanting recognition for my efforts. They just always make me feel so unappreciated even when they try (or say they do) to improve my working conditions and pay. My snotty e-mail that I sent yesterday also managed to upset one of my managers who I should perhaps refer to hereafter as the "ice witch". She's just such a cold bitch and can be so rude and two-faced that I can hardly bear to give her the time of day even when she is being 'nice', so all in all I guess I am glad that it upset her. Maybe she'll get a taste of what it feels like to be upset at work and know how I feel most of the time when they are constantly screwing me over! I swear it's just as well it was my last day for two and a half weeks or I might have done something silly and got myself fired. I've said it before and I'll say it again.... I'm so sick of their shit!

I'm still moping around because of a phone call I never received. It's really pathetic and I should get over it but for some reason I just can't. It's irritating as hell to just not have someone get back to you when they say they will. I wouldn't care if they even phoned now and said "Oh I didn't phone because I can't stand the sight of you" because at least I would know that then and stop moping around! In fact while I think of it there is another person who said they'd call and hasn't for two weeks but I wasn't really that bothered about that so I haven't given it much thought. Now I am typing this though I guess I am angry about that too. Dammit, people are such pricks sometimes!

I remember hearing once that emotion follows a typical path from disbelief to anger to hurt and upset and then back to a kind stable emotional state (well it was something like that). Anyway I feel a little exhausted with all this anger and I'm starting to hurt and feel a bit upset. Maybe it has to do with me being tired because I know I get all flakey when I am tired too but I'm sat here listening to moody music late at night on my own and I really feel quite pathetic and sad. Hopefully the hurt and upset will pass by morning and I will be back to my stable emotional state. I'm such a textbook case... with everything in my life.

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