20.10.98 - Off work and back on 'The Quest'

It's been a little while since my last journal entry. That wasn't because I didn't have anything to say or because I didn't have the time. It's hard to explain how my days fritter away but I just never got round to it. I really wanted to at one point but got distracted and then it became too late and I felt too ill so I went to bed. I don't like to think of myself as a "sickly" person but every time there is a cold going round I seem to get it too! It really annoys me, especially as most people take time off work just for a piddling little sniffle and I usually struggle in. Not this time! I struggled in yesterday, spent an hour and a half keying in some waiting list figures only to realise that the waiting list team leader (Sahra) had printed off the wrong month for me! ARGH! I went into the managers office to tell them there would be a delay on the figures while I was waiting for the correct month to print off and they could clearly see I was not well. My project manager told me to go home and phone in later to let them know how I was. That was the reaction I had wanted and I was glad I didn't actually have to ask to go home because then it puts the onus on them. I did phone to let them know I was still not feeling well and they arranged to send someone else on the Microsoft Access course I was due to go on today(wasn't that considerate of me to let them know so that they didn't waste the space?). So I have been at home today... bored and unwell. I was going to go back tomorrow but I am wondering whether I should make the effort. I could do with another day at home I think because it would help me recover quicker but at the same time I know I am fit enough to do the work (albeit in discomfort) and I would feel guilty.

Pauline is off work this week, next week and then a couple of days the week after that so things are pretty lame in the office. Sometimes it irritates me that I have to teach her how to do things while I have my own work to do and I'm sure it shows at times which is a little unfair of me because we all have to start somewhere. I thought I was a patient teacher but it seems I have my limits. Perhaps I am becoming more and more impatient and irritable as I get older. Ee gads! What will I be like when (if) I reach the age of 70?!?! I'll be unbearably cranky! Last Friday on her last day Pauline and I were talking about this and that and she was telling me about how she was interested in psychology. I asked if she was more interested in the social side of observing behaviour and if she thought she was a good judge of character. She said she thought she was a good judge of someone's character (even though she married a complete dipshit!) so I challenged her to sum up my character. As she said all these things about me I found it eerily correct. She even picked up on some of my bad points but mostly highlighted my good points (thanks Pauline! Hehe). I don't know how I felt about it all but in a way I was pleasantly surprised that my true character does in fact come across well at work. I used to think I was a very different person at work to what I am outside but I guess that isn't the case. She said something about me being very caring and that I would make someone very happy. That was so sweet of her to say and was a wee bit embarrassed.

It's so hard to find and keep friends as you go through adult life. When you're a child things are so much simpler. You're less judgmental, you forgive more easily, you are less competitive in ways that matter and you have time on your side. As I am getting older I find it very hard to make friendships that count and last. I found a couple with people I met online probably because people are more open and less judgmental online (although there are exceptions to every rule... I remember coming across a group of white supremacists online. Ugh!). Finding the right friends is almost as hard as finding the right partner and indeed in my opinion finding the right friend is a pre-requisite for finding the right partner (although sometimes they happen in unison). Why am I talking about this? I don't know.... It' just something I was thinking of. I've made some friends recently, I've met some 'more than friends' and I've had people drift in and out of my life. It just got me thinking, that's all.

During my time off work I decided I should do something useful other than sitting around sniffling into a tissue and feeling sorry for myself so I sat and updated my CV (résumé). Ever the opportunist eh? Well I cut out a lot of crap, condensed it, made it more meaningful and 'punchy' and I expanded the section on computer skills as that is the kind of job I am aiming for. I printed it off on some lovely cream coloured paper and I am pleased with the results. I was going to sit and write up a letter of application and send it off to someone but as always I got distracted by other things and well... I really couldn't be bothered. I know I HAVE to be bothered or nothing will ever happen but I just couldn't seem to organise myself today. I had some other stuff to do too but.... oh well the day is not over yet. Maybe when I have finished here I will get my arse into gear and do something. Anyway you guessed it, I am on one of my job seeking missions again. I almost felt inclined to revive my "The Quest" WebPages but I decided not to bore you all with that. Instead I will just post details occasionally in my journal entries of what jobs I have applied for and what rejection letters I get. One day I might actually post an entry saying that I have got a new job!

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