15.09.98 - Misery runs wild and free

I feel really low. I'm in one of those miserable moods you get in where you just don't want to smile at anything and you almost begin to enjoy wallowing in the misery so much that you outright refuse to see the bright side of anything. Perhaps I shouldn't be writing a journal entry in this frame of mind because I'm sure you already have the impression that I am a depressive, neurotic with a cynical outlook on life... or something like that. I suppose you really have to know me to know that I have reasons for feeling like this and that I do indeed have a very good sense of humour and light heartedness about myself most of the time.

One of the managers from the Personnel department at work (or she could even be a director... who knows with this healthcare bureaucracy these days?!) phoned my line manager to let her know that they had not come to a decision on my regrading and could not because they wanted more information about the technical aspect of my job before making a decision. I was so deflated to hear this that I just wanted to drop my folder on the floor and walk out. I felt the muscles in my face drop from a smile into the miserable visage I have now and it must have been noticeable because I saw the reaction in my managers face too. I have gone past anger, past impatience, past every energetic feeling I can think of. Now I just want to forget it all and walk away. If there were Olympic events in "Melancholy" and "Apathy" I'd come out with a gold medal right now.

I have tomorrow afternoon off work and in theory I should be quite pleased about that and excited but I really don't care. The strange thing about all this is that I had quite a good 'working' day. I got involved in some database work with Access which I haven't done in a long while and I managed to complete three jobs within the day that I thought would not get finished until tomorrow at the earliest. I guess when I am depressed I get through more work! It's probably true of most people though. When you want to withdraw away from everything else you immerse yourself in something like work that you know you can focus on and do something worthwhile other than wallowing.

I'm off into town in the afternoon to book the flights for my holiday and I also have several other things I need to get done as well. I need to get my hair cut as it is getting long and irritating, and I also need to buy some things for the office with some money that the hospital lottery fund has donated to "enhance the office environment" for staff. We have run out of coffee at work so I will get some of that too, making sure not to buy Italian coffee this time (too bitter). I really am getting tedious with this journal entry now aren't I? Time to quit before I become unbearable.

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