14.09.98 - Cynicism and learned optimism

Well today wasn't quite what I expected at all. It got to the stage where I had to draw a "stress-o-meter" on the whiteboard and a little graph along side it showing the trend of my motivation and apathy. As you can imagine the line for motivation troughed and the one for apathy peaked. I moan and complain too much and I try to break out of the habit because I hate myself for doing it but it's just so easy to complain isn't it? Well I guess I was a little pissed off for two reasons. One is that my manager has still not found out what decision the regrading panel came to about my grade and she didn't seem to be making what I would call a "reasonable attempt" to find out the information (I mean for goodness' sake it's been almost a week now!). The other reason is that I phoned up my car insurance company and had a little argument with the woman at the other end of the phone about how long it is taking for them to sort out my 'simple', 'clear cut' claim. Well, actually I didn't have an argument as such... she was very accommodating but I had to make it clear that I have been waiting far too long for them to sort it out and I suggested they try a bit harder. At least I got her to agree to phone the other party concerned. I roll my eyes at this point because I gave them the guy's phone number two months ago! Oh well.....

The weekend was better than I expected too although I wouldn't say it was fantastic. Ever the pessimist eh? It did rain a few times but on the whole stayed sunny and did not spoil the boat trip. I talked to a few new people and got on rather well with them and that was nice. I do try to make new friends but sometimes you find that you are just not really compatible with people. This weekend however I got on fairly well with everyone. I managed to screw up my timekeeping on Sunday though and even though I had told my Mum I would make it home for dinner I was about an hour and a half late. I was so stressed about trying to get back on time that I broke the speed limit almost all the way (Ssshh!... and don't lecture me... it's not like you haven't ever done it...right?).

If you have a keen eye you may have noticed that I added a new section to the website the other day ('Ask Me: The Interview'). My good friend Kath had pointed me towards a website where the guy had got someone to ask him a series of questions and he had gone through and answered them all in a section about himself on the website. I thought this was a great idea and I suggested to Kath that we exchange a list of questions of any sort and then answer them. Some of the questions are... erm... very unusual but I answered them nonetheless. Anyway the outcome of this was that she read the answers and came to the conclusion that I was more cynical than she was. I haven't really had time to think about that response but I suspect it is true. I am so reluctant to take in information and accept it straight away. I question everything and am suspicious of most things and I have little faith in the human race because they always disappoint me. Now I really am generalising here... but there are very few people who have not disappointed me at some time, somewhere along the way. Perhaps I set personal standards unreasonably high and have unrealistic expectations of society?

It's not easy to be optimistic and so much easier to be pessimistic. I used to try and justify my reasons for being pessimistic about things but to be honest I really can't do that. It is simply a part of my being, my personality and that is something that's damn hard to change about yourself. Someone introduced me to the idea of learned optimism a while back and indeed is still recommending it as a means to a positive end but I have my doubts about it. I think it's somewhat naive to think that a happy thought can get you where you want to be. Sure it may mean that the journey to get where you want to be may be less painful and even enjoyable perhaps at times but I don't think it's the cause of the positive outcome. The other thing is that you cannot change the way you feel about things by just smiling through it. You really have to 'feel' what you are trying to feel. I will say though that I believe a positive outlook can enhance your enthusiasm for something, perhaps give you more impetus. It's a nice idea and I do try it now and again. It lasts a short while and does make me feel better about things. It's a nice quick fix to pull you out of a low period but 'long term' is a different story. The strange thing is that I get quite a kick out of the challenge of life and if I were optimistic about everything I don't think I would see the challenge if it were right in front of me!

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