09.09.98 - The chemistry of getting close

I think people underestimate just how long it takes to get to know someone properly. Most people in life you get to know on a very superficial level. You ask them how they are (even though in most cases you really aren't that interested), you talk with them about things you have done at work or outside of work and you may even socialise with them occasionally but at what point do you 'really' get to know them? There are very few people I would say I really know well. One is my friend of about 13 years and the rest are mostly my close family members (but even they have the capacity to surprise me sometimes). There has been someone I knew for almost two years who seemed to turn suddenly into someone I didn't recognise and someone I didn't feel I could handle... so we went our separate ways. I still think about that sometimes and it hurts. Not necessarily because we lost contact but because I put my trust in the fact that I thought I knew this person well.

I have known Sahra at work for almost two years and almost every week I find out some little thing about her. In all that time I have had the most compelling feelings towards her. I hesitate to use the word "crush" because it has connotations of a silly, immature set of feelings one might associate with teenagers having fun. I can't control the way I feel, only the way I act. People I share this information with keep telling me I should act on it and ask her out or something but really it is not that simple and even though it may seem that way to the outsider, trust me... it really isn't. Let's just say that I have insinuated on several occasions something more than simple friendship and each time I have felt like I have been given a knockback or some kind of warning signal that I shouldn't do it. I don't want to spoil what I do have in favour of a likely doomed attempt to make it something more. Have you ever watched these TV shows where two central characters of the opposite sex interact in their environment (e.g. X-Files)? They have a chemistry that keeps the whole situation alive. The moment that chemistry becomes something more the appeal is lost. TV producers know this which is why the chemistry is maintained for as long as possible without an actual outcome. There is some truth in television drama then after all.

My manager has been very secretive about my regrading proposal. She helped me fill out the forms and rewrite my job description and the paperwork was eventually submitted. She would not tell me when the panel was convening to discuss it though and I found out through a couple of different sources that she had been to the panel yesterday. Perhaps she thought she would keep it a secret so that it would be a nice surprise for me when she came back to tell me about the upgrade. Anyway I was also told that it takes the panel up to two days to decide the outcome so I am expecting an answer sometime tomorrow. I am trying not to get excited because I don't think the grade will be quite what I want but at the same time I am certain it will be higher than it is at the moment which means more money and also means I can start putting some of my other plans into effect. Let's hope I have something to celebrate at the weekend rather than comiserate. I was looking at rent prices in the local area and was pleasantly surprised to see that I can get a really nice place (one bedroomed house, two bedroomed flat etc.) and still live comfortably depending obviously on my new wages. If I really do get what I want in terms of money then I could even afford a two bedroomed house (miracles can happen).

I am not going to mention my regrading to anyone except maybe Sahra and Pauline, my new work colleague because I mentioned it to someone else and it seemed to upset them and their reaction of "why do you always get things?" upset me in return. I really don't want or need the hassle of yet more office politics so perhaps it is best not to initiate anything. I work hard for my money and I don't need to justify it to anyone except my superiors so that's where the line should be drawn. It's a shame though that people at work seem hellbent on destroying friendships in favour of bitter competition rather than strengthening them and working as part of a team. I miss the old days when there seemed to be a glimmer of that. Now amidst the bickering there doesn't seem to be much at all.

PREVIOUS ENTRY   JOURNAL MENU   NEXT ENTRY

Website created by Rich Hull,1998.