06.09.98 - Guilt trip... wish you were here!

This weekend has been really boring and it's unfortunate because it leaves me too much time to think abut things, get paranoid, worry etc. I need to keep busy to forget that I am not happy about things the way they are. Thankfully though the weekend has gone quite quickly and will be over very soon (I never thought I would hear myself say that!). I had planned to go to Amsterdam and meet up with my friend Mark who I know from online but yet again as with all my plans, I spent too much time thinking about it, working out my financial situation and pondering all the wonderful things I want to do in my life and I have 'copped out'. I know Mark will be really disappointed and that is the only part of this that upsets me. I really am not that bothered if I don't go to Amsterdam (especially as I have been before) but I am disappointed that yet again I have screwed up my plans... to the detriment of someone else this time.

As a result of this I have decided to go back a step and fulfil one of the goals I have had for over a year, and that is to travel over to America. Hopefully Mark's disappointment will wane somewhat if he knows I am coming to America to see him instead. I am going to do this whether I think I can afford it or not. Someone once told me "If you wait to do things until you can afford it, you'll never do them!" and I think that's partly true. I am so cautious with money, mostly because I hate living uncomfortably that I don't like to do anything with it until I am sure it's not going to force me into the slightest bit of discomfort. I am such a worrier. I get it from my Mum.

Which leads me nicely into another related subject. It is the 30th wedding anniversary of my parents in October (I think that's "Pearl" isn't it?) and my Mum wants to celebrate it in some sort of special way. Obviously this involves money and that is something they don't have a lot of at the moment because of the usual tax bills, insurance payments, VAT bills etc. It seems to be getting my Mum down and I can sympathise but I don't really know what to do about it. I can't afford to do much for them without wiping out my own resources and I feel like I shouldn't really get involved anyway because it's THEIR anniversary and it's something they should be celebrating, not me (does that make sense?). Anyway when I told her I was going to go to America she sighed and made some little comment about wishing she could come with me. Then later on I told my Dad and I said something like "Yeah, I'm going to America and then I'll come back and be poor". My Mum was in the room and made another comment, something about me not knowing what 'poor' is. In a way she is true but what she was really doing was making a play for sympathy about her own situation and not being able to celebrate their anniversary properly.

I guess we all do things like that from time to time, making plays for sympathy, but I just felt so guilty. I still feel guilty and it's just spoiling my plans! If I think logically then I have no reason to feel guilty because I haven't had a holiday in about 3 years and during that time my parents have had at two holidays, one to Greece and one to Cyprus! Why must I feel guilty about this? I'm sure if I had said to my Mum that she was making me feel guilty she would tell me she had not meant it to sound like that and that I was being silly but I shouldn't have to confront people like this. Why do they always make me feel guilty?! Whenever I try and assert my feelings or assert myself over things I want to do I am made to feel guilty! I guess I am just over sensitive but you'd think that people who know me well would know that this sort of things is likely to get to me in this way.

Sometimes life feels like a struggle to be as selfish as you can and get one over on other people all the time. I am not particularly referring to anyone specific, just my feelings in general. Success just seems to sprout from people being selfish and ignoring the needs and feelings of others. I sound really bitter and I guess I am to a certain extent. I'm getting to be more like these people I hate so much just so that I can get by in life... why does it have to be that way? I am even on a guilt trip about that! Ugh... wish you were here!

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