05.09.98 - I wish I listened to myself sometimes

I keep telling myself and other people that I am going to move out and into my own place as soon as I get my promotion money, but I wonder if when it comes to the crunch I will find some excuse not to do it or delay it even more. It's not that I don't want to move out but I suppose I am a bit hesitant and wary of a step such as this. I mean I have never lived on my own before. Will I get bored? Will I struggle with money? Will I struggle to look after myself? I know it sounds really pathetic and I am sure being plunged into the situation I would do fine. It's just this mentality I have that if something feels comfortable (and easy) then why not leave it alone? I guess the pros for moving into my own place are starting to outweight the cons and that is why I am thinking more seriously of doing it now. Damn I wish that promotion money would hurry up and come through before I get tired of the possibility and give it up as an idea!

I looked into joining the leisure centre just out back from the hospital where I work but it is going to cost more money than I thought. I am hesitant to join anyway as I could be moving away from the area and it would seem pointless to have paid to join somewhere that I am not likely to go to when I move. This is the problem I always have... I want to make plans but they always seem to depend on other things happening and if I procrastinate about making one of these things happen then all my other plans get put on hold too and I end up getting frustrated because nothing is happening! I really fancied going for a swim tomorrow too. Damn it!

I have had two pretty boring weekends and as a result I have spent more and more time online. I have made some new friends, though I am not sure how long they will last. Most friendships online fizzle out as soon as they get started... although some go on for years I am glad to say. I am currently planning to meet up with an online friend at the beginning of October and I am quite excited about that. I have met my friend Mark before but he lives in Atlanta so I can only see him when he has a holiday near me. Luckily he and his partner seem to like Europe as a holiday destination which makes it easier for me to see them when they come over. I have known Mark for at least a year and a half online and we met up at around this time last year when he came into London. I was a bit reserved, as one would be meeting someone for the first time so I am hoping this time that I will be more relaxed and more like the "me" he has got to know in e-mail.

It's funny how your ambitions, dreams and priorities change as your life progresses. It was not so long ago that my dream was to be a writer. I enjoyed writing and I enjoyed hearing other people saying they enjoyed what I wrote. Now I just don't have that ambition at all and I can't see anything happening on that score. Maybe it is because I don't have the time to sit and just write any more or maybe I use this journal as a creative outlet and therefore don't need anything else. After all this is kind of like writing creatively. My ambitions, goals and dreams seem to have matured to something different.

I know I want to have my own place but that is a basic goal that most people have. I want to feel happy and secure in a relationship, I want to be happy and successful in my career and I want to get rid of my insecurities. Overall I guess you could say that these things roll up into one main goal... to be happy. I sometimes think that it may be impossible but then I picture myself in a situation where that is possible and the very thought of it makes me happy. There is a certain settled feeling that goes hand in hand with happiness and I want to feel that as much as possible. What makes me happy at the moment is that I have more of an idea about what will make me happy and I am making positive steps towards getting it. I am more proactive in seeking happiness and I no longer expect it to be possible to sit back and have it come to me automatically. I really have to force myself to do things sometimes but on the whole I am glad when I do. It's about going for your goals and dreams...

You know there is something you want. Something in your heart, perhaps that you have always wanted or have only just found out recently. You know you want it but you also know that it means a lot of sacrifice and will mean a lot of hard work on your part. It suddenly doesn't look so attractive. You know you want it but you are avoiding it because of the sacrifice and the hard work. What will the outcome be? Is it worth fighting for? Isn't it easier to just sit back and carry on the way things are and not have to go through all the hassle of that hard work and sacrifice? Think about that goal or dream of yours again. Cleaning your house or apartment is hard work and involves a sacrifice of time but if you didn't do it you'd be living in a mess. Maybe you're living in a mess right now. Isn't it worth a bit of hard work and sacrifice so you can live how you want to?

I wish I listened to myself sometimes.

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