21.09.98 - Red or dead... boring

This is kind of a special edition journal entry and I created a special edition main page to go with it (although if you are reading this entry in October you will find that I have reverted back to my original design... too bad you missed it!). In part this change is to showcase the graphics skills of my friend Kath and also to revive some of my interest in web design. It's so easy to just whip up a journal entry with very little thought to the overall design of the site so I have used my time differently and paid more attention to that. It was fun... I suppose, but hard work and the troubleshooting HTML code stalled me for a day or two. I have to look forward to changing it all back in October!

So what's been happening with me since I last wrote? Well my Mum fell ill on Friday and was so bad she spent most of the weekend sleeping. This meant I didn't get to take her out and all in all she felt like she had missed out on her birthday. She couldn't even enjoy the chocolates I bought for her! I went to London on Saturday evening and went out for a drink to the Irish pub with James as I didn't see the point in hanging around at home if there was nothing I could do. I felt a bit bad afterwards, like I had deserted my Mum on her birthday and when she was ill but she had actively encouraged me to go to London so from that perspective it was not so bad.

Aside: Weird! I just slipped on the keyboard and a whole chunk of text and a drop down menu suddenly appeared on the page! I bet I couldn't replicate that if I tried.

I had intended to meet my friend Kevin on Sunday but he left my mobile phone number at work and couldn't phone me to arrange it so I ended up staying at James and having dinner with him and 4 other friends. It was ok but I really was not in the mood for conversation and there were some tough customers at the table who wouldn't let me get a word in! Even when they tried to drag me into the conversation (because they felt I was being too quiet) I just couldn't! One question that was fired at me was "Do you believe in God?" When I answered 'yes' I was then challenged as to WHY I believed in God! Aaargh, I hate challenging questions that require me to think deeply over a dinner table. The worst part was that I was asked this question by someone with a chronic case of catholicism, who seems to turn any conversation into a theological debate. Grrrrr. Needless to say I fluffed my answer and got all embarrassed and humiliated. Ah well... par for the course with some of James' friends. I don't get as stressed about it as I used to though. I just reasoned it out and decided that I really did not care much for the person and therefore did not particularly want to impress him in any sense of the word or even justify myself and my beliefs to him. In other words... I just didn't care!

I think that maybe part of the problem I have joining in conversations at things like dinner parties is that my life is so relatively boring that I can't think of anything about me or my life that is worth contributing to the group. I find myself talking about the same old things... computers, work, my holiday and my intentions to find a place to live. You can probably relate to this because it is the kind of stuff I write about in my journal but after telling people about it all over and over again I even get bored of hearing it myself and so I just shut up. I have been wondering lately whether my journal entries are too boring to continue because it is just more of the same again and again. I do try to discuss emotions and thoughts more because that is where the real me lies and that is where I think people will find this journal interesting. Do you? I don't get much feedback on the entries other than from close friends who know me well already. If you're reading this and you don't know me all that well then write to me and let me know what you think of this journal. Everyone who does a website wants feedback including me. Humour me. ;-)

I was watching "The Real World: Seattle" on MTV Europe earlier and for some reason that TV show really gets me fired up. I see these young people of around my age living and I mean really LIVING. They have this fantastic opportunity to live in a wonderful place, meet loads of new people and best of all they have the opportunity of interacting with a group of people who talk about things that matter to them. People don't talk enough in my life. I mean they talk but they don't TALK. I have always been a thinker and I like to look closely at situations, people's reactions and interactions, life issues, world issues etc. It's damn hard to find people to talk with about that kind of stuff. A few people online I know of can talk to me like that including my good friend Kath, Andrea, Tiffany and Mark (Notice that most of those are women? If you're a 'thinker' you may well have done already). If you are a 'thinker' then you probably know more about me than what you read here simply by extrapolating information by what I do, what I say and what I think. You think you're pretty smart? Well go ahead and e-mail me if there's something about me you think you understand and that you haven't been directly told here. I'd be intrigued to see your assessment of me. This is the part where I apologise for babbling but I really shouldn't. I am not babbling, I am just letting out a flow of information about a subject that can't be summarised very easily. Hehe.

I feel very intense tonight which probably means I will have trouble relaxing enough to get to sleep. Just as well I am used to late nights.

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