22.09.98 - Sometimes I think it is all I seem to do

I've had such a bad day that I was debating whether or not to write a journal entry. I just hate to hear myself whinge yet sometimes I think it is all I seem to do! I don't think the problem can be pinpointed to one particular thing but more so a combination of things that happened and various emotions and thoughts running around in my system. My self esteem has been pretty low anyway just lately and I think it made me supersensitive and inflated my silly insecurities to grand proportions.

My manager had the last two days to find the time to get together with me and do my annual performance review. I really don't give a rat's turd whether she did it or not but the fact that my yearly pay increase relies on it being done gave it some importance... in my eyes anyway. Despite reminding her about a zillion times she still had not done it by 4:30pm today. She had to do the performance review of someone in another office as well and was going to do mine afterwards. Well I checked with this other person at 4:30pm and theirs had been done and completed about two hours previously! Needless to say I was furious and went back to my office to stew in my anger for a while. I got past the anger stage and slipped into the "I'm so pissed off I just don't care anymore" stage. At this point I must have driven poor Pauline mad because I sat staring out of the window, doing nothing with the biggest 'sulk' look I could muster. It may sound childish but we each have our own way of expressing things so if you want to judge me then either do it silently or don't do it at all, because I don't need the hassle, ok?! Anyway Pauline was very sweet and sent me an e-mail (even though she sits opposite me) telling me to cheer up and not worry. About five minutes before the end of the day I went to see my manager. When I walked in I could almost see her flinch and she didn't look at me straight away because she knew I must have been angry.

"Well, I guess you were either too busy or forgot," I said trying to desperately to remain calm while retaining just enough anger to make her see I was pissed off.

She tried in vain to come close to some sort of apology and assured me she had not forgotten and that I was not to worry because we had until the 4th October to get the form done. I was confused at this point because that date had no meaning for me. My review date is 23rd September. When I reminded her again about the date she checked on her bit of paper. "Oh, well we could do it now if you want?" she said realising her mistake.

"No we can't... because I'm going home," was my reply. There was no way I was staying late because of her idiocy regardless of whether money was involved. Well anyway I hadn't intended to bore you with the details but that was just one of several things that happened today that just got to me. Another thing was that someone completely misunderstood a comment I made and had a go at me for a really stupid reason. I was too shocked to defend myself with a proper argument at the time and I let it slide but the fact that I had not defended myself properly made me even more angry afterwards.

I just feel like I am at the bottom of the scrap heap at the moment. I feel like I don't like who I am and I don't want to be that person. How can I expect anyone else to get close to me when I don't even like myself? I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I never found anyone to be close enough to that would make me happy and I find myself forcing the idea because it seems like it will be a reality. When I came home I could not even face conversation with anyone so I went to my room and lay on my bed quietly. I lay there thinking about how lonely I will be when I get my own place and if I will cope with it. I lay there thinking about my apparently pointless career that is making me unhappy and wonder if I can be bothered to stay doing it just for the money. I lay there thinking about the selfishness of people and how I can expect to get by in life if I can't deal with it.

At the moment I am fluctuating between anger, apathy, and sadness. How can I get through life like this? Damn it's so hard!

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