26.09.98 - Fantastic freedom is a learning experience

I had a fantastic night out on Friday... and I am still suffering for it. Suffering on two levels in fact. One is that I still feel a wee bit 'squiffy' after having drunk so much and the other is that enjoyment overtook my practical side and I ended up changing my plans which created a whole lot of unintentional worry for others. I have had a really bad week. Bad in terms of my self esteem mostly (as you could probably tell from my last journal entry) and I wanted to forget all this and really enjoy myself. I was worried to start off with that I wouldn't enjoy the evening and so I made all sorts of plans as to what I was going to do. Well as it turned out I had one of the best nights out ever which meant I wanted to change my plans again. In doing so I tried to get a message to James that I would not be staying over at his flat after all but with wondrous irony the damn message got lost somewhere along the way (I was too drunk to recall whether that was my fault or some technical glitch). James was subsequently panic stricken, thinking that maybe I had been murdered on the streets of London or something and had stayed up late and only got a few hours sleep wondering whether he should call my parents or the police!

Well to cut a long story short I was just too pissed to concentrate on decision making processes and ended up doing whatever I wanted to do at the time. This involved staying out until 3 or 4am (can't recall exactly) and then staying over at someone else's flat. I feel like I have wasted today because I have been trying to recover from the drinking binge and then spent a large part of the afternoon trying to get home on various trains. James is really angry with me and told me that I was irresponsible. I realise that to a certain extent he is right but the whole thing makes ME angry. I feel like I can't even get away from home without having to have a 'mother figure' standing over me still telling me how I should and shouldn't be behaving. Yes, this whole incident was out of character for me and yes, perhaps it was a little irresponsible but I really don't need a lecture on it.

How many guys in their twenties worry about having to report their every action to someone or worry about making sure someone knows where they are at all times? I guess what I am trying to say here is that I need my freedom (funny then that the name of a place in London we went to was called "Freedom"). This may mean that I am exposing myself to danger in that I won't have as many people looking out for me but that seems like a small trade off when I think about how this whole incident has worked out. I quite liked the fact that this was out of character for me too. If staying in my usual character means restricting my fun outside work then is it really worth it? I'm young, I need to be out having fun and I don't need to be worried about it!

I learned a few things from my night out... I learned not to make firm plans unless I intend to stick to them. I learned that vodka is a pretty powerful drink when mixed. I learned that the Scottish accent gets easier to understand the more you listen to it. I learned that a lesbian named Paula, a couple called Emma and Jason and waiters at late night restaurants make great conversation after midnight. I learned that eggs benedict looks very unappetising after eight vodka mixed drinks. I learned that a taxi fare from Soho to Chiswick costs £16. I learned that the route into London I am going to take next weekend contains some really awful roads to drive on. I learned that it is actually possible to forget things that happened when you are very drunk (and that it's not easy to trust the version of events others might tell you). I learned that I can be a complete bastard sometimes. I learned more about what it is to have a good night out.

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