29.01.99 - No chocolate for three months

Things change so fast and just as I have begun to settle on an idea or a plan it gets thrown up in the air again and I have to juggle it all around. The goals remain pretty much the same but the route to getting there is ever changing. I still want to move out and into my own place and I still want a new job. I didn't get the job from the interview I had on Tuesday but that wasn't exactly surprising given some of the technical questions in the interview I couldn't answer (sheesh, what do they expect for £16,000 in London? Bloody NHS....) and the agency has put me forward for another interview next Thursday or Friday. I haven't heard back from 'Justin' at the agency yet as to whether or not I actually have an interview so we'll see. The money is not that great either but hey, it's a job and it gets me out of here.

I went to look at a flat with Peter on Wednesday so I drove into London which I hate doing. It took me 2 hours just to get to Caledonian Road in north London which is telling of the time I drove in because it only took me an hour to get back afterwards. The flat was really nicely decorated and the area in Finsbury Park was nice with no through traffic outside. The only problem was that the second bedroom was miniscule! The guy said that it would ideally suit a couple rather than two flatsharers because then they would obviously sleep in the same bed and have that little room spare. We had to say no to that one although it was nice and it was an ok rent price. We're going to look at a place in Tufnell Park on Saturday and that looks like it could be promising. I believe the advert said "2 dble bed" so both rooms should be an acceptable size. Peter is screwing me around over the time we meet up though and he's starting to annoy me. It's given me a nagging doubt about whether it's wise to move in with him. I mean, I really don't know that much about him even though he is a friend and considering he wants to buy somewhere eventually I don't know whether to trust him about the lease issues. He mentioned phoning the Estate Agents in the morning too which means he might have already found somewhere to buy! I need to think seriously about this but first I may as well see the Tufnell Park property.

I have also decided that I am not ready right now for a relationship. I have to end the one I am in tomorrow before it gets too serious an issue for me to deal with and before anyone gets really hurt badly by it. I just don't know what I want and I have too many other things going on. When it feels like a chore to see that other person then you know there is something wrong and that is just the way it feels this weekend. It's the way it felt on Thursday too and I can't keep ignoring the fact and hiding away from it. I suppose I am better off looking after myself right now and trying to get my own life sorted out before I drag someone else into the picture. I feel like a real shit over this issue but it can't be helped now. All I can do is make sure that I don't let it continue and try not to let it happen again. I guess some sort of punishment is in order for behaving like a selfish prick so if you can think of something then e-mail me. Otherwise I will just have to come up with something myself... such as 'no chocolate for three months'. Eeek! Maybe not punishment that harsh. Hehe.

I've spent most of tonight on the phone which is a real bummer because I had the house to myself which hardly ever happens! My Mum went out with workmates to an "eat all you can" chinese restaurant. I had intended to lounge around watching TV and listening to my music really loud. Instead I cooked and ate dinner while watching 'Top Of The Pops' on BBC1, then I washed up and wiped the side down. After that I went to my room and put a CD in and just as I hit the play button the phone rang. It was my friend Sri. We talked for about an hour about this and that and my recent pathetic attempt at a relationship. Then a TV programme we both watch started so we hung up. Half way through I realised I had to make another call so I did, hoping it would be short but it ended up lasting half an hour. While I was on the phone I heard my Mum come back in. It wasn't even 10pm!!! Apparently the chinese restaurant had a quick turnaround of customers and couldn't wait to shove them out the door once they had finished eating. Needless to say they didn't leave much of a tip. Anyway, there goes my evening!

I'm now sat here contemplating what tomorrow holds and listening to some really heavy rock/punk music in an attempt to overcome my senses so that I stop thinking about all the things that generate worry (and the yucky things that go with too much worry like ulcers!).

I went into town today and did something I have only ever done once before. I bought a copy of NME... mostly because it had a free CD on the front cover. I thought it couldn't possibly be full versions of songs on there but it is! There is a 'Chef' song from South Park which made me chuckle. It's called "Simultaneous" and it appears to be about his penchant for multiple partner sex. Hahaha. It's worth checking out, especially as it has "Mezzanine" by Massive Attack on it too... and was only £1.10.

Oops! I nearly forgot..... the test results were 100% negative. In other words I am all clear of STDs. Yay! The doc said I can now lead a "normal, happy life". I almost laughed and told him that I never did that anyway so why should I change? Hehe. A friend reminded me I should tell you this before I uploaded the entry. Thanks Theda! I bet you were all dying to know too weren't ya? ;-)

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Created by Rich Hull,1999.