22.12.98 - Yuoo vunt a peeece-a ooff me-a?!

I buuked unuzeer helff dey ooff my unnooel leefe-a und vent intu Lundun thees effternuun. Bork bork bork! My dey ves nut toorneeng oooot reelly vell und I cuoold sense-a ierly oon thet it vuoold be-a "une-a ooff thuse-a deys". I ceme-a hume-a und ete-a a sundveech und gut reedy reelly qooeeckly, furgetteeng Peter's burthdey cerd es I strude-a oooot ooff zee duur und doon zee rued. Bork bork bork! My mubeele-a phune-a reffoosed tu cunnect (und steell dues es a metter ooff fect) telleeng me-a thet it is "seercheeng fur netvurks". It joost fleshes et me-a seyeeng thet ell zee teeme-a und I feer thet my identeety hes sumehoo beee iresed frum zee netvurk eltugezeer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Ooh vell, luuks leeke-a Fudeffune-a veell be-a getteeng a snutty phune-a cell frum me-a tumurroo (frum a Mercoory leene-a!). I ves meeldly irreeteted by thees es I knoo thet peuple-a vere-a leekely tu vunt tu get huld ooff me-a oor try tu leefe-a messeges. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Fur ell I knoo I cuoold hefe-a messeges veeeting fur me-a et zee recell centre-a. Grrrrrrr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!

Shuppeeng oon Lundun ves nut es bed es I hed imegeened. Bork bork bork! Lundun elveys seems boosy tu me-a und unless yuoo'fe-a beee zeere-a yuoo reelly cun't teke-a it ell in. Bork bork bork! I hefe-a heerd peuple-a frum oozeer cuoontreees sey hoo emezeeng it ell is und fer lerger thun leeffe-a thun zeey hed imegeened. Bork bork bork! Tu me-a its joost Lundun. Bork bork bork!..pleeen und seemple-a und iferytheeng ilse-a noo seems teme-a und a vee-a beet bureeng. I strooggled tu a cuoople-a ooff shups und zeen veeeted ooootseede-a Tooer Recurds fur Peter. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I get perunueed thet peuple-a veell theenk I em sume-a keend ooff rent buy oor perfert fur hungeeng eruoond zeere-a boot loockeely Peter ves nut lung. He-a epulugeesed fur beeeng lete-a vheech deedn't metter becoose-a he-a vesn't reelly. Bork bork bork! It ves strunge-a tu see-a heem dressed in hees vurk cluzees es I em used tu seeeeng heem in hees cesooel veer (doode-a!). Ve-a vent oon tu du sume-a shuppeeng boot es I hed reelly dune-a zee tvu theengs I vunted tu du I joost let heem teke-a leed und du hees beets ooff shuppeeng und I joost vent elung fur zee reede-a. Ve-a vent in sume-a strunge-a shups incloodeeng "Emereecun Retru" und sume-a memurebeelia type-a plece-a in Suhu boot mustly inded up velkeeng ruoond buuk shups. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Effter a vheele-a ooff vundereeng ruoond und Peter getteeng stressed becoose-a he-a deedn't knoo vhet tu booy peuple-a ve-a stupped ooffff fur sumetheeng tu iet. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Oonce-a zee shuppeeng ves dune-a Peter ves reelly stressed (sheesh, he-a hes nu stemeena fur stressffool seetooeshuns!... meybe-a its un ege-a theeng es he-a hes 10 yeers oon me-a) und joost vunted tu gu hume-a. I ves a beet deeseppuinted becoose-a I hed vunted tu gu ruoond a beet mure-a oor stup ooffff fur a dreenk boot hey remember thees ves "une-a ooff thuse-a deys" su I ves nefer gueeng tu get vhet I vunted ves I? Ve-a velked tu Hulburn steshun und spleet up, I tuuk zee Centrel leene-a und he-a tuuk Peeccedilly leene-a hume-a. I vent beck tu Selffreedges und buooght my Moom sume-a chuculetes es un ierly Chreestmes present (vheech she-a ves threelled veet. hehe-a). Ooh Gud. Bork bork bork!... deed yuoo reelly vunt me-a tu bure-a yuoo veet deteeels ooff my shuppeeng dey? Tuoogh... I'm nut beckspeceeng noo effter ell thet!

Vhee I gut hume-a I checked my i-meeel und Pooleene-a hed i-meeeled me-a frum vurk tu sey thet she-a hes a leenking prublem veet sume-a spreedsheets et vurk und ves joost geefing me-a edfunce-a verneeng thet it vuoold need tu be-a surted oooot tumurroo. Eergh! I hete-a leenking prublems. Um gesh dee bork, bork!.. I bet its sumetheeng reelly doomb und seemple-a boot leenking prublems elveys teke-a FOREFER tu surt oooot. Um de hur de hur de hur. Joost vhet ve-a dun't need reeght beffure-a Chreestmes, ispeceeelly vhee peuple-a ere-a leekely tu vunt zee veeeting leest feegoores frum zeese-a spreedsheets. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Pooleene's hoosbund predeectebly vent psychu ebuoot zee geeffts I gut und gefe-a tu Pooleene-a. He-a mede-a sume-a doombess cumment ebuoot zee seelly idea ooff her messeeng eruoond veet me-a und zeen vent oon tu sey "Vell he-a cun booy presents fur yuoo boot he's NOT booyeeng presents fur MY sun egeeen". Vhet a munoomentel, foockeeng ideeut esshule-a. I'm surry fur sveereeng leeke-a thet boot zeere-a ere-a joost sume-a peuple-a vhu ere-a nut feet tu be-a descreebed veet unytheeng oozeer thun sveer vurds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I hupe-a she-a hoorreees up und reeleeses thet she's merreeed tu a deepshit und leefes heem. Ooups. Um gesh dee bork, bork!.. it's nune-a ooff my booseeness reelly su I shuoold shoot zee hell up.

Zee 'ffreeends' seetooeshun I telked ebuoot in my lest intry seems tu be-a setteeng doon a beet. Um de hur de hur de hur. I'm steell a beeg scroo up ebuoot theengs leeke-a thet boot et leest I hefen't mede-a theengs vurse-a veet uny ooff zeem. I treeed my best tu surt oone-a oooot und hupeffoolly its ook noo. I vent oooot veet Sree lest neeght und felt su ruoogh thet ve-a hed tu cell un ind tu zee neeght ierleeer thun ixpected. Bork bork bork! I hed seferel cuoogheeng feets und effter ieteeng a duooble-a vhupper veet cheese-a frum Boorger Keeng I deceeded I hed tu gu hume-a oor zeese-a cuoogheeng feets vere-a gueeng tu meke-a me-a throo it beck up. I shuoold hefe-a leestened tu my muzeer und gune-a tu zee ductur tu get sume-a unteebiutics. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I gooess Moom's ere-a reeght. Um de hur de hur de hur... must ooff zee teeme-a.

Vell, Chreestmes is elmust upun us und I'm reedy fur it noo. Yuoo vunt a peeece-a ooff me-a?! Cume-a und get it Chreestmes!!!

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Vebseete-a creeted by Reech Hooll,1998.