24.10.98 - Frustration, Ritual & Confidence

Oh, today has just been up and down and all around in the emotions department. At the moment I feel extremely frustrated, mildly bored and marginally pathetic about things. I just can't explain or control these feelings sometimes but I realise it is a combination of events and feelings that have led me to this point. What am I talking about? Oh, who knows?! I'm just restless..... there you go, another adjective for you.

I got up late and spent ages getting ready this morning as I was half watching Saturday morning television and half trying to get dressed while trying to download e-mail and read a magazine all at the same time. After all that I went into town with my Mum. It's a ritual I used to follow every Saturday and this is the first one in a long time where I have reverted to the ritual. In a way it was nice because we had a good laugh about a few things, spent time together on the weekend (which is rare lately)......oh, and she bought me a new fleece jacket for me to take on holiday with me. Hehe. I must admit that even though it was nice reverting to the familiar I feel so fed up at having to do it. Sounds awful doesn't it? I don't mean it that way though. Last night I was anxious at having to go through a boring, familiar old weekend routine and so I decided to break it up by having a drink of whisky (something I don't usually do at home....honest!).

My carpet is moving up and down at the moment. It does that when the weather here gets really, really windy as it is tonight. The space under my floorboards leads outside to the open air just under the eaves of the roof and it blows in and moves my carpet. The effect can be more annoying than eerie and I have placed furniture about the room in such a way that it doesn't leave the carpet much room to move. If I take an objective viewpoint it is quite comical really.

I was talking to my friend Kath online earlier about my holiday and about when we meet. We were just joking around and talking about the moment at the airport when we meet and I said something like I would have to hug her when we met. She said something about babbling nervously and it made me realise that I am actually very calm when meeting new people. I used to be really shy and clam up if I had to talk to someone I didn't know but these days I will talk to almost anyone whether they be a complete stranger or someone with a really domineering personality. I have reached the point where I am not really intimidated by other people or worried about what they think. I never thought I would reach that point but I think I have and I am really quite pleased about it. As I was walking round town today I noticed it more. I used to walk around sheepishly as if I thought everyone was thinking what a pathetic specimen of a human being I was or about how ugly I was or something silly like that but I was walking along today and I had a lot of self confidence and I felt like I really didn't care what anyone thought about me or said or did. I really did not care and that was so cool. I remembered something else Pauline had said about me when she was "summing up" my personality. She said she thought I was a bit of an attention seeker. I have always thought the complete opposite about me but maybe I am becoming more so? Weird....

PREVIOUS ENTRY   JOURNAL MENU   NEXT ENTRY

Website created by Rich Hull,1998.